You Know How I Do
by k8ty
Summary: Drugs, contemplating suicide, questionable sexuality? This is not the girl they used to know.
1. Myself

_**Title: Taking Back Sunday's 'You Know How I Do'  
Lyrics: My Chemical Romance's 'Mama'**_

_I'm writing this letter, and wishing you well.  
Mama, we all go to hell._

If only she knew what I've done. Or maybe she does. She could be pulling off that whole act of stupidity. You know what I mean, that act that they're so good at. The one where they pretend not to know anything. Then they confront you about it at the worst possible moment. I hate that.

_Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry.  
Mama, we're all gonna die._

My mother had me when she was very young. About fifteen, since she became pregnant with me when she was fourteen. I wasn't a planned child, obviously. And she doesn't know that I know this, but she actually considered getting an abortion. Luckily, my birth father convinced her not to get one.

I could have been aborted. I might never had existed, had my mother decided to abort me. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know she loves me and all, but I feel like I'm a burden sometimes. As if she never wanted me in the first place. And it torments me so. Just thinking about that has fucked with my head so much. I don't know why I've never thought about it before. I might be acting childish, but I'm eighteen now. I'm a senior in high school. I'll be going off to college soon, if I'm lucky. At this rate, I might end up in jail.

It's parcially my fault, but Manuela Santos introduced me to the world of drugs. I really never thought she would go this far, but then again, you never know what to expect from that girl. I'm happy, though. When I'm high, it's as if nothing could go wrong. I feel guilty, but I love the way I feel so much…it's really the only time I'm ever happy nowadays. It started simply with pot. Not that harmful, silly, yes, illegal, yes, but not as harmful as what came afterwards. I was introduced to cocaine, oxycotton, ecstasy…my lord, all of them…incredible. Just incredible. Groovy. Amazing. I love it. I love them. I love…

I don't really know who I love anymore. My boyfriend broke up with me because of pot. He's not a fan. Whatever. Fuck guys. They're morons. I've always been unhappy around them. Ashamed. Ugly. Stupid. I've felt like I don't measure up to their desires. I've even stopped caring about the environment because of them and their drama…silly little whales. Silly little ravine. The ravine…many memories there. My first time getting high was there. Alex, and of course, Paige, were there…and now it's tradition for all four of us to meet up and smoke pot, pop pills and snort some cocaine. I'm surpised none of us are dead yet.

"God damn it, Emma. Pass it!" Manny said at me.

We were all at the ravine again, in the van that had once been for giving guys head. We were smoking pot again. We'd already done it twice earlier, but hell, the third time's a charm. We'd smoked about half of the blunt, and it had reached me finally. I had gone to take a drag, when something distraced me. Alex and Paige. They sat there kissing, like no one's business. Not that it was a bad thing, despite the fact that they are both girls. It just made me think. I thought about how much of a douchebag Peter had been...how Sean treated me like shit after we'd broken up BOTH times, and how Jay Hogart was just a dirtbag. Alex and Paige looked so happy together. It made me wonder.

What if I'm really a lesbian?

"Emma! God damn it! Give me the blunt! You're not even smoking it anymore!" Manny yelled at me. I snapped out it, and looked at her. The pot still remained in my hands, and she held out her hand. I still didn't pass it to her. Instead, I took her hand with my empty one and pulled her into a kiss.


	2. Night of Change

**_I'm sorry it took so long to update! I've been very busy lately.  
_**

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't know if I should have done it. I'm so confused now. I feel like I've lost control over everything. I have lost control. I don't know how much more I could lose. It was mostly the pot that caused me to do it, but I can't place the entire blame on it. It was myself. I kissed her.

_I kissed her_. All I know is that watching Paige and Alex being so happy together made me curious. It made me wonder. It was unexpected, but what I least expected was Manny's reaction. She kissed me back. She wanted it. She made it obvious that she didn't care that Paige and Alex were in the van with us. She kissed me harder, more passionately. A moment later we stopped kissing, and I got a glimpse behind her. Alex and Paige had gone. Guess they left to give us some privacy. We looked at each other for a brief moment, and she leapt onto me once again. From there, things got a bit more intimate.

A little while later, we were lying there...naked and sweating, but content. Well, maybe she was. I wasn't so content. I'd just had sex with my best friend. I'd just fucked up my entire emotional being. But what she said to me afterwards is what put icing on the cake.

"Emma, that was incredible. I've liked you for a while, since the last time I'd hooked up with a guy. That last one just turned me off to guys entirely, because you remember what happened...but still. I really like you, Em." Manny whispered to me.

I do remember what happened. That last guy, who's name was Greg, by the way, had videotaped them being very intimate with each other and exploited the video on the internet. Manny is always the victim of exploitation. Especially when Peter sent the entire school that video of her flashing her breasts. Breasts that had, in fact, been in my hands moments earlier. Which brings me back to the fact that I'd just had sex with my best friend. And she'd wanted it for weeks. All I'd wanted was a simple fuck.

But life is never that simple, is it? There are always strings attached, and as we sat there naked, my mind raced. Did she expect more? Did I even want to be with her? Who am I? What would mom think?

_What would my mother think?_ Dear lord, I'd not even thought of my mother's opinion on my homosexual actions tonight. She doesn't have to know now, does she? No...but if I was with Manny, she'd definitely have to find out. I know she expects grandchildren...a son-in-law, a happy daughter. But it looks like she won't be getting any of those anytime soon. And it's partially her fault...her fault for being so innocent and unknowing. It kills me everyday to know that she's so oblivious to my daily wrongdoings. And it's completely ironic, as well. Emma Nelson, the girl who was all about the environment, girl who was to remain a virgin forever...girl gone completely bad.

I wanted her. Manny, I mean. She was so beautiful. She wasn't so innocent, but still...she was lovely. But we were supposed to be straight. But I didn't know who I was anymore. I think it was this night that changed me forever. This night that helped me develop the horrible habits I've been fighting for months.

"I like you too, Manny."

"Will you be with me?"

I hesitated. Did I really want to do this? I looked quickly at her body, and back to her face. Beautiful, absolutely _beautiful_. But wasn't I supposed to be straight?

"Yes."


End file.
